I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when
he saw a man carrying an indignant,
asthmatic pig under his arm.
Unfortunately, the man-made object never
equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -- Alfred Hitchcock |
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You have to be deaf in order to really appreciate the bagpipes. --
my son |
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Piping is my hobby... I'm allowed to be bad at it. -- my brother |
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Bagpipes... the missing link between music and noise. |
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If thy neighbour offend thee, give each of his children bagpipes. -- Old Scottish Proverb. |
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When I die, I know Im going to heaven Ive already been through Hell as
a member of a pipe band -- Richard Mao, The Peking Piper PekingPiper@mao.org |
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You know you're a piper's wife when he sits in the car with his arm around
his pipes just like he used to do to you when you were dating. |
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You know you're a piper's wife if you are flattered when he gallantly
pulls a chair from the table you are about to sit at.....and then puts his pipes on it. |
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You know you're a piper's wife if he spends his weekends on the band
bus instead of painting the house. |
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An elderly piper is playing while his wife watches. "How long has he
been playing the pipes?" a bystander asks the wife. "Oh, about 60 years, but he spent 40 of those tuning them". |
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Q. Why do pipers have such large families? A. Their wives will do
ANYTHING to get them to stop playing. |
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one
cries when you chop up a bagpipe. |
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You
take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. |
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Q. How do you put a twinkle in a drummer's eye? A. Shine a flashlight
in his ear!
Contributed
by a piper who wished to remain anonymous for family reasons! |
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Q. What's the difference between a piper and a mutual fund? A. The
mutual fund eventually matures and earns money. |
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Q. How can you tell when bagpipes
are out of tune? A. Someone's blowing them. |
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Q. How do you get a dozen bagpipers to play in tune? A-1. Shoot 11
of them. A-2. Shoot all of them. A-3. Who the hell wants a dozen bagpipers? |
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Q. How do you get two pipers to play in perfect unison? A. Shoot one. |
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Q. How do you get a piper out of a tree? A. Cut the noose. |
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Q. Whats the difference between a piper and a walrus? A. One squeals
a lot and the other is a walrus.
This
and the following Q&A's were contributed by a female piper who wishes to remain anonymous. |
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Q. How does a piper measure his/her IQ? A. With a tire gauge. |
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Q. How do you plant dope? A. Bury a piper. |
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Q Why did God give pipers 2% more brain than horses? A. Because he
didnt want them shitting in the streets during parades. |
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Q. How do you kill a piper? A. Fix his hearing aids. |
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Q. What do in tune pipers and UFOs have in common? A. I keep hearing
about them but never see any. |
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Q. How can you tell if a female piper is having a bad day? A. Theres
a tampon in one of her drones, and she cant remember where she put the reed. |
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Q. Whats the difference between a bagpipe and a Porsche? A. Nobody
cares if the bagpipe crashes into a wall at a high speed. |
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Q. Whats the difference between an in-tune piper and Bigfoot? A. Bigfoot
has been spotted. |
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Q. Whats the difference between bagpipe music and a bucket of shit? A.
The bucket! |
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Q. Whats the difference bagpipes and cowshit? A. You get angry when
you step on the cowshit. |
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Q. What does a drummer say when you blow in his ear? A. Thanks for
the refill. |
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Q. What do you call a basement full of practice chanters? A. A whine
cellar. |
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Q. What do you call a female piper with 2 brain cells? A. Pregnant. |
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Q. What did the piper think of pipe jokes? A. "Oh, they’re good,
but they might offend some French people."
This
and the above Q & A's were contributed by a female piper who wishes to remain anonymous.. |
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Q. What do pipers and Mike Tyson have in common? A. Both are mighty
tough on the ears. |
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Q. What's the difference between the first and last rows of a pipe band? A.
About half a bar (and a semi-tone). |
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Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a piper? A. A Doberman. |
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Q. What do you need when you have a piper up to his neck in quicksand? A.
More quicksand. |
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Q. What's worse than a bagpiper? A. Two bagpipers. |
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Q. What's the difference between a pipe major and the P.L.O.? A. You
can negotiate with the P.L.O. |
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Q. What do the bagpipes and a lawsuit have in common? A. Everyone
is happy when the case is closed. |
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Q. What's the definition of "perfect pitch"? A. When you toss a set
of bagpipes into the bin and they land on an accordion. |
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Q. Why did the bagpiper get upset with the drummer? A. The drummer
moved one of the drones and wouldn't tell the piper which one. |
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Q. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? A. Put it in a
bagpipe case. |
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Q. Why do pipe bands tour so often? A. Keeps assassins guessing. |
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Q. What is the range of the bagpipe? A. As far as you can kick it. |
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Q. What do a bagpipe solo and premature ejaculation have in common? A.
You know its imminent, but you can't stop it. |
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Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A piper's drones. |
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Q. What do you call a guy who dies and goes to heaven but has to enter
through the kitchen? A. The piper. |
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Q. What is the difference between pipers and terrorists? A. Terrorists
usually have sympathizers. |
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Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe
recital. |
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Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw
a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. |
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Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain? A. Gifted. |
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Q. What is the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You
can tune the lawnmower, also the owner's neighbours are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. |
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Five.
One to do it, and four to criticize his fingering style. |
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five.
One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. |
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five.
One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins. |
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Just
one, but he'll spend two hours re-hemping the bulb and checking for leaks. |
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Q. How many pipers does it take to screw in a light
bulb? A. Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to say:
1.
"I can do that"
2.
"How much better [insert favourite piper] would have done it"
“Which setting they would
have used?” |
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Q. How many competition judges does it take to change a light bulb? A.
None, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it. |
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Q. How many Pipe Majors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Just
one: he holds it in place and the world revolves around him. |
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Q. How many pipers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Only
two, but even if they could get in there you would still have to find a female piper. |
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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions,
an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other
two indicate you have been hallucinating. |
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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato. |
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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how
to play the bagpipe and doesn't. |
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Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
bagpiper in the road? A. Skid marks in front of the snake. |
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Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they
can park in handicapped zones. |
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Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead
country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. |
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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good
arm. |
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Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool. |
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Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike
the same spot twice. |
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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing
into it. |
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Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer? A. He moved a drone
and wouldn't tell him which one. |
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Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"? A. Because a lot of people got kilt
when they called it a skirt. |
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Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile? A. Both are offensive and
inaccurate. |
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Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A. A
bagpiper. |
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Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean? A. A
start. |
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Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? A. To get away from
the sound. |
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Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? A. Moving targets
are harder to hit. |
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Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door? A. No
one knows when to come in. |
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Q. Why did they say that the piper had fingers like lightning? A.
They never struck the same place twice. |
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Q. Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the bagpipes? A.
It saves time. |
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Q. What's the definition of "optimism"? A. A bagpiper with a beeper. |
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Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building,
which will hit the ground first? A. Who cares? |
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Q. How late does the bagpipe band play? A. About a half beat behind
the drummer. |
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Q. What's one thing you never hear people say? A. Oh, that's the bagpipe
player's Porsche. |
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Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A:
A Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" |
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Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes trying
to play in unison. |
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Q. You are driving in the town one day, and see a member of the town
council and a piper crossing the road. Which one do you run over first? A. The councilman. Always business before
pleasure. |
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Q. How do you make a piper's eyes sparkle? A. Shine a light in his
ears. |
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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A.
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. |
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Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian
bagpipes? A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter] |
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog? A. The frog
might be getting a gig. |
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Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his
drones. |
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Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control? A. Their personalities. |
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If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end --
it would be a good idea. |
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The piper was called before the judge in court. "Say," said the judge,
"haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "That's right!" the piper said hopefully, "I gave your child bagpipe lessons!". "Ah
yes," said the judge. "Twenty years!" |
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Pipe Major: "Back to bar one." Piper: "My music doesn't have numbers." |
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A drummer and a grade IV piper were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!"
cried the drummer, "I can't swim!". "Don't worry," said the piper, "just fake it." |
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Piper: "Did you hear my last performance?" Neighbour: "I hope so." |
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In a recent newsflash it was announced that terrorists have taken 90
pipe bands hostage, and if their demands aren't met they'll release one every hour. |
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A piper left his pipes in the back of his car while doing some shopping.
On returning he was shocked to discover the back window smashed - and two sets of pipes in the back of the car. |
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An elderly piper is playing while his wife watches. "How long has he
been playing the pipes?" a bystander asks the wife. "Oh, about 60 years, but he spent 40 of those tuning them". |
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There was the piper who, while visiting a saloon, asked for a dollar
to help pay for the funeral of a recently deceased piper. "Here's two dollars," offered one patron. "Please bury another
one". |
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When you arrive in heaven, St. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven! Here's
your harp." When you arrive in Hell, Satan says, "Welcome to Hell. Here are your bagpipes." |
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A fellow enters a pub in Belfast with a plastic bag under his arms. The
bartender asks him, "What might that be you're carrying?" "About twelve pounds of semtex", replies the fellow. "Glory
Be! I 'ought it was bagpipes!" |
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(Insert your favorite name), the Pipe Major, was once handed an
autograph book by a fan after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another piper,
standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire." |
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A piper died and went to heaven. St Peter asked whether he played an
instrument and he replied "Yes, the bagpipes". "Excellent" said St Peter, I think we have a vacancy in our pipe band. "What
is God like as a Pipe Major" asked the Piper. "Not too bad" said St Peter, "although occasionally he thinks he's [insert
favourite piper]" |
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