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DRUMMING HUMOUR

Love them or hate them...but pipers and drummers have much more in common than they are willing to admit...

DRUMMING JOKES

Top of Page Musical Oxymoron: Professional Drummer.
Top of Page Musical Oxymoron: Snare Drum Music.
Top of Page From the Drummers Dictionary: Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo.
Top of Page Q. How do you get drummers to practice?
A. Start tuning the bagpipes!
Top of Page Q. Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
A. Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!
Top of Page Q. What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
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Q. Why to bands need Roadies?
A. To translate what the drummer says.

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Q. What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?
A. Farfromthinken

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Q. What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A. You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

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Q. What does a drummer use for contraception?
A. His personality!

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Q. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

Top of Page Q. What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A. Put a sheet of music in front of him.
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Q. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but only after asking "Why?"
("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")

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Q. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

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Q. If a dollar bill was lying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A. The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

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Q. What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?
A. A really dumb gorrilla!!! (ba-dump bump <crash!>)

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Q. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. They have a machine to do that now.

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Q. How can you make a drummer slow down?
A. Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Q. How can you make that drummer stop?
A. Put notes on it!

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Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

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Q. Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A. Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

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Q. How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!

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Q. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A. So they can park in the handicapped spot.

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Q. Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
A. So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the sh*t on the road.

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The classic one:

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer.

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Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.

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Q. How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A. You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

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Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. The knocking speeds up.

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Q. What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
A. Drool.

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Q. What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

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Q. How can you tell when the stage riser is level?
A. The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

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Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

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Q. What did the drummer get when he hit a homerun with three people on base?
A. A grand flam.

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Q. What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
A. "Would you like fries with that?"

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Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

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One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??"

"Beats me!"

Top of Page Two drummers walk into a bar... which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.
Top of Page A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.

"I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?".

The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."

Top of Page Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.
Top of Page Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.
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Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

(Hmmm... that inspires a turnaround variation...)

Q. Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A. You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

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Q. What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger Baker?
A. A chiropodist bucks up your feet!!
(with apologies to Ginger Baker fans, ... and those that needed to reach for the dictionary for that one)

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Q. What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?
A. They both suck without Cream.

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Two girls are walking along when they hear...

"Psst! Down here!"

They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"

The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

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An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds:

"No, that's G-d. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."

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A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

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A guy walks into a shop.

"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

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I dont play clarinet, trombone or trumpet.
Ive never been to Edinburgh, Glasgow or Aberdeen.
I dont know how to pronounce Piobaireachd or wish to know what a man wears under his kilt.
I dont know anyone named Macleod, Gordon or Fraser, although Im sure they are great Scotsmen.
A pint or two is perfect before a competition, or any other time of the day. 
3/4, 6/8 and 4/4 are not sports scores.

My day starts off with two drum rolls, and ends a half beat before the pipers.
I dont listen to a lot of people, but I obey my lead drummer and follow him with pride.
Rudiments are the foundation of my success.
My PM is not Paul Martinhes God.
I bang on things constantly to a quick march in my head and drive everyone nuts.

I pray not to drop my sticks during a parade.
There are two volume settings on my drum on and off.
I play accents and crescendos and I LOVE MY DRUM!!!
My entire vocabulary is comprised of flams, rolls, triplets and paradiddles.
I march to the bass drum, and control the pipers.
My name is Lina, and I am a drummer.

 

--Lina Bruni

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A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

"Bass solo."

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A lady walks into a store and tells the man behind the counter she would like some musician brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?".

"How much do they cost?" she asks.

"Well, those there are trumpeters' at $5 a pound, those are French horns' at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He replies.

"What are those way back there?" she asks.

"Those are drummers' brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies.

"GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?"

"Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!".

Top of Page "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
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A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings."

The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?"

"I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."

The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?"

"Yeah! How did you know man?"

"This is a fish and chip shop."

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A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.

He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."

SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."

SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."

SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."

SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.

Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.

"So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"

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Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on."

The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.

"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.

"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"

"About 60."

"What kind of sticks do you use?"

RETURN TO BAGPIPE HUMOUR


Music of Elegance and Distinction

by Dr. Raphael Pazo 

californiabagpiper.com


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