I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-- Alfred Hitchcock 

You have to be deaf in order to really appreciate the bagpipes.
-- my son

Piping is my hobby... I'm allowed to be bad at it.
-- my brother

Bagpipes... the missing link between music and noise.

If thy neighbour offend thee, give each of his children bagpipes.
-- Old Scottish Proverb.

When I die, I know Im going to heaven Ive already been through Hell as a member of a pipe band
-- Richard Mao, The Peking Piper PekingPiper@mao.org

You know you're a piper's wife when he sits in the car with his arm around his pipes just like he used to do to you when you were dating.

You know you're a piper's wife if you are flattered when he gallantly pulls a chair from the table you are about to sit at.....and then puts his pipes on it.

You know you're a piper's wife if he spends his weekends on the band bus instead of painting the house.

An elderly piper is playing while his wife watches. "How long has he been playing the pipes?" a bystander asks the wife.
"Oh, about 60 years, but he spent 40 of those tuning them".

Q. Why do pipers have such large families?
A. Their wives will do ANYTHING to get them to stop playing.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How do you put a twinkle in a drummer's eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in his ear!

Contributed by a piper who wished to remain anonymous for family reasons!

Q. What's the difference between a piper and a mutual fund?
A. The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Q. How can you tell when bagpipes are out of tune?
A. Someone's blowing them.

Q. How do you get a dozen bagpipers to play in tune?
A-1. Shoot 11 of them.
A-2. Shoot all of them.
A-3. Who the hell wants a dozen bagpipers?

Q. How do you get two pipers to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. How do you get a piper out of a tree?
A. Cut the noose.

Q. Whats the difference between a piper and a walrus?
A. One squeals a lot and the other is a walrus.

This and the following Q&A's were contributed by a female piper who wishes to remain anonymous.

Q. How does a piper measure his/her IQ?
A. With a tire gauge.

Q. How do you plant dope?
A. Bury a piper.

Q Why did God give pipers 2% more brain than horses?
A. Because he didnt want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q. How do you kill a piper?
A. Fix his hearing aids.

Q. What do in tune pipers and UFOs have in common?
A. I keep hearing about them but never see any.

Q. How can you tell if a female piper is having a bad day?
A. Theres a tampon in one of her drones, and she cant remember where she put the reed.

Q. Whats the difference between a bagpipe and a Porsche?
A. Nobody cares if the bagpipe crashes into a wall at a high speed.

Q. Whats the difference between an in-tune piper and Bigfoot?
A. Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q. Whats the difference between bagpipe music and a bucket of shit?
A. The bucket!

Q. Whats the difference bagpipes and cowshit?
A. You get angry when you step on the cowshit.

Q. What does a drummer say when you blow in his ear?
A. Thanks for the refill.

Q. What do you call a basement full of practice chanters?
A. A whine cellar.

Q. What do you call a female piper with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What did the piper think of pipe jokes?
A. "Oh, theyre good, but they might offend some French people."

This and the above Q&A's were contributed by a female piper who wishes to remain anonymous..

Q. What do pipers and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. Both are mighty tough on the ears.

Q. What's the difference between the first and last rows of a pipe band?
A. About half a bar (and a semi-tone).

Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a piper?
A. A Doberman.

Q. What do you need when you have a piper up to his neck in quicksand?
A. More quicksand.

Q. What's worse than a bagpiper?
A. Two bagpipers.

Q. What's the difference between a pipe major and the P.L.O.?
A. You can negotiate with the P.L.O.

Q. What do the bagpipes and a lawsuit have in common?
A. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q. What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?
A. When you toss a set of bagpipes into the bin and they land on an accordion.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get upset with the drummer?
A. The drummer moved one of the drones and wouldn't tell the piper which one.

Q. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A. Put it in a bagpipe case.

Q. Why do pipe bands tour so often?
A. Keeps assassins guessing.

Q. What is the range of the bagpipe?
A. As far as you can kick it.

Q. What do a bagpipe solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A. You know its imminent, but you can't stop it.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A piper's drones.

Q. What do you call a guy who dies and goes to heaven but has to enter through the kitchen?
A. The piper.

Q. What is the difference between pipers and terrorists?
A. Terrorists usually have sympathizers.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What is the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, also the owner's neighbours are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five. One to do it, and four to criticize his fingering style.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but he'll spend two hours re-hemping the bulb and checking for leaks.

Q. How many pipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two.  One to screw in the light bulb and one to say:
1 . . "I can do that"
2 . . "how much better [insert favourite piper] would have done it"
3 . . which setting they would have used.

Q. How many competition judges does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

Q. How many Pipe Majors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one: he holds it in place and the world revolves around him.

Q. How many pipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only two, but even if they could get in there you would still have to find a female piper.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. Why did they say that the piper had fingers like lightning?
A. They never struck the same place twice.

Q. Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the bagpipes?
A. It saves time.

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"?
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.

Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?

Q. How late does the bagpipe band play?
A. About a half beat behind the drummer.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes trying to play in unison.

Q. You are driving in the town one day, and see a member of the town council and a piper crossing the road. Which one do you run over first?
A. The councilman. Always business before pleasure.

Q. How do you make a piper's eyes sparkle?
A. Shine a light in his ears.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end -- it would be a good idea.

The piper was called before the judge in court. "Say," said the judge, "haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"That's right!" the piper said hopefully, "I gave your child bagpipe lessons!".
"Ah yes," said the judge. "Twenty years!"

Pipe Major: "Back to bar one."
Piper: "My music doesn't have numbers."

A drummer and a grade IV piper were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the drummer, "I can't swim!".
"Don't worry," said the piper, "just fake it."

Piper: "Did you hear my last performance?"
Neighbour: "I hope so."

In a recent newsflash it was announced that terrorists have taken 90 pipe bands hostage, and if their demands aren't met they'll release one every hour.

A piper left his pipes in the back of his car while doing some shopping. On returning he was shocked to discover the back window smashed - and two sets of pipes in the back of the car.

An elderly piper is playing while his wife watches. "How long has he been playing the pipes?" a bystander asks the wife. "Oh, about 60 years, but he spent 40 of those tuning them".

There was the piper who, while visiting a saloon, asked for a dollar to help pay for the funeral of a recently deceased piper.
"Here's two dollars," offered one patron. "Please bury another one".

When you arrive in heaven, St. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven! Here's your harp."
When you arrive in Hell, Satan says, "Welcome to Hell. Here are your bagpipes."

A fellow enters a pub in Belfast with a plastic bag under his arms.
The bartender asks him, "What might that be you're carrying?"
"About twelve pounds of semtex", replies the fellow.
"Glory Be! I t'ought it was bagpipes!"

 (Insert your favorite name), the Pipe Major, was once handed an autograph book by a fan after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another piper, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

A piper died and went to heaven. St Peter asked whether he played an instrument and he replied "Yes, the bagpipes". "Excellent" said St Peter, I think we have a vacancy in our pipe band.
"What is God like as a Pipe Major" asked the Piper.
"Not too bad" said St Peter, "although occasionally he thinks he's [insert favourite piper]"