TAE A FERT

This poem is appropriate for reading to an audience shortly after they have eaten the haggis - you will need an audience with a sense of humour!

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place.

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
Abodys gonnae have tae pay
Even if ye try to stifle,
Its like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek.

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap a thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me, a sonic boom!

God almighty it fairly reeks;
Hope I huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell, its no ma worry.

Abody roon aboot me chokin,
Wan or two are nearly bokin
Ill feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile.

Wis him! I shout with accusin glower,
Alas too late, hes just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
I dinnae feel welcome any mair.

Where ere ye go let yer wind gan free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty
Ower the sake o won wee ferty.

The author is unknown, although it is definitely a takeo-ff on Burns to a Mouse.
Contributed by David Hain, Brockville, Ontario, who certainly livened up our Bands Christmas Party with his reading of the above, shortly after Burns Address to the Haggis!
If anyone knows the author, we would like to know and we will be happy to provide appropriate credit!